Everyone love to hide the disclaimer. That is, after making it with some fine print which is too difficult to read. Me too was no different. Of late I found with a glee that the most popular page in my website is the disclaimer page. So why not put it on the home page itself ?

Well, writing disclaimers is an art. I don’t have much to disclaim (for that matter even to claim). The only thing is that this is non-commercial personal website. The intention of this site (the ‘site’!) is to share my thoughts, jokes, articles, photos etc with people who know me.

The proverbs say ‘when in Rome, do as Indians do!’ and ‘even for madness there is a method!’.

So with an inquisitive mind I did a pilgrimage to the adobe of Microsoft and studied their disclaimers. My stupid intention was to look for some jargons that I could refry and use.

Oh my God!, that was the expression that crossed my mind first. Reading a disclaimer is the easiest way to go mad, that is if you already haven't!

First of all you need a busload of attorneys to decode and explain you the user agreement of even the very humble Notepad! The End User License Agreement - EULA - ( lovingly called by it’s authors as YOU-lah ) of the Notepad is the longest ever note made with it, probably.

A disclaimer is the most complicated and incomprehensible way of telling the user the simple sentence, “I’m not responsible for you using this”. I can’t differ with Dean Acheson with what he said, “A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.” Also may I add, it’s to make the attorneys rich too.

I think it was a German gentleman who said once, “People who enjoy eating sausage and obeying the law should not watch either being made”.

No wonder millions of people all over the world click on the ‘I AGREE’ buttons without even having a clue on to what they are agreeing to!

So I came back heartbroken, but with a resolve. A resolve to write a disclaimer that is as inspired as Oliver Goldsmith’s ‘An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog’.

Someone said historians are failed novelists. I think those who write disclaimers are the ones with a scorn for humanity.

But still let me sing the disclaimer song like a parrot. I’m not responsible for the damage or injury (incidental or consequential!) caused by using my site. I’m not responsible for any of your loses, including the time you lose reading this. Yes, I managed to snatch some legal jargons, tricks and the black magic otherwise kept as the trade secret of attorneys.

In my knowledge no one has ever copyright protected their disclaimers. They are yet to realize that any disclaimer, worth its salt, is a stunning piece of literature that can be bound and sold like a fairytale at the best, or as a crime thriller paperback at the worst. Alas, it’s not the copywriters who make copyright documents!

Why I said injury ? Because I use English language a bit recklessly. Yes, more like the auto-rickshaw drives on the Mount Road in Chennai. I like speed and noise. A tint of craze makes it feel still better. In that I violate the rules. I don’t like the grammars and spellings stand between you and me as a distraction.

Why not me?
Even William Shakespeare made Brutus to do that “most unkindest cut of all”. Okay, we can excuse him as he did not have a copy of High School English Grammar and Composition by Wren & Martin. What about George W Bush ? Even he complained of someone “misunderestimated” him. I think they got him right. So am I.

Now about responding to my pages. I’m not a jingoist. Nor a turncoat. But my trouble is I always look like one. I just happened to be a part of the most beautiful and majestic festival of chaos called India. In other words I’m an ordinary Indian living in India. So if anyone feels tempted to tarnish me get a smaller brush, please. Thank you for that.

My mailbox is made of skinny tin sheets, much similar to the material that makes the roofline of the sub-continental slums. Please don’t send in red-hot mails. I’ll let all know when I get a kiln brick lined industrial grade email system.

My ambition is to make an email energy recycling system. The hot emails are redirected to a reactor. The excited elections are liberated from the electronic mails. The heat is used to make steam. The power generated is connected to the national grid. More or less similar to how a nuclear reactor works. Thank god, there’s no dearth of spasm now a days.

But I welcome questions and comments. email me, I’ll try to answer.....

That’s all about the claims and disclaims. But I reserve the right to amend this disclaimer without prior notice.

Yes, that’s right. Everyone can become a half-cooked singer, doctor and a lawyer too!!